We can all probably agree that we shouldn’t put up with people treating us badly. However, if you grew up in a family where you didn’t get the love, care and attention that you needed, you might find yourself in similar relationships as an adult. Perhaps as a child you were blamed for things that weren’t your fault, perhaps you were neglected, faced with anger or bullied? If so these behaviours could feel familiar and they may be happening in your adult life without you realising it.

These adult relationships may not make you feel good but they could feel like home. You probably don’t think you deserve any better because this is how it’s always been.

If this sounds familiar, here are some questions to ask yourself:

When it comes to friends:

• Are there relationships in your life that don’t make you happy?
• Do some relationships feel like hard work, are you doing all the work or is the reciprocal?
• Do you have to chase people to make plans, do they let you down at the last minute?
• Do you feel safe enough to be yourself around them?
• Are you treated with respect?

When it comes to family:

• Do you put up with more because they are family?
• How much do you put up with to maintain the relationship and who are you doing it for?
• If they are downright abusive to you, what is your limit, how much will you take to maintain the relationship because you “should” because they are family?
• Do you experience feelings of guilt about the relationship and where is this coming from?
• Is there trust in the relationship?

When any relationship is detrimental to you, do you stay because you are scared to be alone? Do you stay because you think there will not be anyone else?

These relationships take up space that could be filled with something better, that isn’t such hard work, that celebrates you both, where you can have fun and genuine reciprocal trust, care and attention.

By working on ourselves, exploring and getting to know how we are in relationships, understanding how we got to where we are, we can start to understand why we are not happy. Through self-exploration, we can make sense of our past and start to build a new view of ourselves. We can start to believe that we are good enough, worthy of kind, loving and healthy relationships. We can then begin to attract them into our lives.